JANUARY 24TH 2018
currently feeling: 🙁
currently listening: feelings - hayley kiyoko
time marches on! unfortunately, not much else goes with it.
it's hard to conceptualize myself as an adult or even someone with independence, and because of this i've made little progress on the whole "being myself" front, and a month has gone by without me following through on quite a few of my new years resolutions. i guess a month isn't that long, in the grand scheme of things, but its still a 1/12 of the year the resolutions were ever for. luckily, i dont actually care too much about resolutions, and i have been (successfully!) making an effort to follow through on others. i wont bother to list them here, because they're kind of silly, and all pretty much boil down to what i go to therapy for. or did go to therapy for, when i went regularly.
speaking of therapy and doctors and stuff, its on the to-do list to call the clinic and make an appointment to finally, finally get my t prescription. im going to try and do it tomorrow, between school and group, or maybe during school, whenever i get a chance. my good friend says he'll drive me there, and my other friend says after insurance t costs like, four bucks. (before insurance on the goodrx app its ~11.) i'm banking on just being able to bill my parents for the doctor appointments. i can afford t myself, so long as someone takes me to CVS for it.
other fun trans updates include: binding with kinesiology tape is good, actually, but should be done sparingly. as soon as i can afford it i'll look into buying some transtape, because i get sick of binders, but i get sick of not wearing them around the house, and tape's a good compromise. plus, my trustred friends tell me it does work on me! i'm a little more critical, but i think that's just because it's my own body.
and now for the reason my feeling up there is a frowny face despite a good chunk of positivity.
i think i've mostly decided that i'm going to go to OU for my undergrad. i'd love to go to tulane, or colorado, or something, yes – but we can't really afford out of state tuition. my dad says we could if we had to, but my mom's the real breadwinner in this house, and she's been pretty frank that we'd be relying heavily on scholarships, and failing that, loans. i don't want to be in debt in my twenties, and there's no way on earth i'll be able to cough up upwards of ~160k dollars in scholarships, no matter how many commercials say billions of dollars go unclaimed a year. (what they don't tell you is how much time and effort that goes into applying for them and that you're ineligible for 99% of them.) even on scholarship congregate sites, a GENEROUS estimate of how much i actually fit the bill for is around 400k, which means i'd need to be awarded over a fourth of those. and i probably don't even actually qualify for that much, because the filters for those websites kind of suck.
i don't mind going to OU. OU is a good school, and my friends will be there, and they'll let me major in linguistics and education, and i think it'd be fun to go to a school with a lot of school spirit (the energy of football games is nice, even if the sport itself is duller than dirt). they have a robust study abroad program and the campus is pretty nice, too. so the school itself isn't really the problem. staying in oklahoma isn't even really the problem. here's the problem:
full offense, but what the fuck?
it also says this: "We offer some gender sensitive housing options to accommodate the unique circumstances of individual students. Housing assignments are made on a case-by-case basis, recognizing the variability of individual needs and the fact that spaces may be limited." you know what that sounds like to me? it sounds like, "If we determine you to be sufficiently deviant, we'll give you a single dorm and isolate you from your classmates, because you're a freak."
i was talking to my not-really-related-to-me-brother and he thought it was weird that i wanted a roommate in the first place, but for me, it's... it isn't that i want a roommate, per se. it's that i want a normal college experience, and a roommate is part of that deal. i mean, the only reason colleges require you to live on campus (besides squeezing more money out of you) is to integrate you into the community, so that college doesn't feel so much like "bigger highschool" as it would if you still lived with your mom or something. your roommate is meant to be one of the ways you're forced into the community, by meeting someone new. at least, that's how i think of it.
that's what i want – a college experience. and this feels like... it feels like them saying i'm not allowed to have that. because i'm trans. because my "birth gender" (what?) is female. i'm not allowed to have this experience – OU's housing policy explicitly states that i can't have it – because i'm trans. because i'm a freak. like, is this a joke? do i not live in 2018 anymore? do i seriously, seriously, have to start my freshman year of college fighting the administration to let me have some reasonable fucking housing options, because OU thinks it's even a little bit feasible for an 18 year old to have undergone SRS?
and how MUCH srs, huh? cis people don't know fucking anything about it. does meta count, or does it have to be a phalloplasty? is top surgery enough? are they going to actually ask me to provide documentation for significant, extensive surgery to live in a dorm? absolutely clueless. like, seriously, ~6 months on T is enough for tons of guys to be passing, reliably, without question, and cis people think it's reasonable to make them live with women because they have a vagina, as if it isnt the most moronic thing in the world.
all of this is on top of some general apprehensions about myself and my life i've been having lately, but i'm almost 100% sure these doubts were induced by my parents and compounded by my masochistic binge-reading of transphobic parenting blogs. what if i'm not really trans? what if i've been lying to myself all this time, what if i'm just looking for an easy-out from some terrible societal experience, what if i'm doing it for oppression points? i haven't been; i'm not; and if i were, i would've just stayed a girl. i know this. i know i'm trans – i've known i was trans for a long time! just because my parents never saw the signs when i was a kid doesn't mean they weren't there. i remember them. i remember wanting boy toys but being afraid to ask for them; i remember running in gym in elementary school and wanting to be a boy, be like a boy, athletic and cool (constantly comparing myself to boys, always, ahtletically, academically); wanting to be on the boy's side when they did boy vs girl games; i remember the mortification and dread of growing boobs, the uncomfortableness i've had since day one of wearing a bra, of needing one in the first place. i remember hating my long hair, not knowing why. i remember asking my friends if i looked more masculine with or without my glasses. i remember "pretending" to be a boy on the internet. i remember my i-hate-pink-and-all-things-girly-actually-i-secretly-like-them-sometimes-but-girls-like-them-and-i-dont-want-to-be-like-"other"-girls phase.
sure, you can experience these things and still end up a girl, i guess, because people's experience of gender is varied and fluid, but you don't experience this and go on to wish, in secret, for cancer to give you an excuse to cut your boobs off and your reproductive organs out, if you're a girl. you don't watch coming-of-age films and get pangs of wistful longing for an explicitly boy's childhood you never had. you don't watch any film and see normal-ass dudes, not even particularly attractive or interesting ones, and think to yourself, "why don't i look like that?". fuck, you don't think to yourself "i love being a boy" when you put on nicely fitting guy's-section clothes. you don't really think "i love being a boy" at all, probably! so that's that. i'm a boy, and therefore transgender.
despite this certainty, the doubts plague me.
last but not least: i continue to struggle in school, in every subject, constantly and forever. it makes me sad. i hate school.
so, a lot of negative in my life despite the positive. (a sliver of positive despite the negative?) i'm not looking forward to writing a strongly worded email to OU, i'm tired of having to constantly repeat my mantra of validation, and school is... soul-sucking, but that's not abnormal. maybe come february (and with it, t!) things will start looking up again. i can only hope.